


Yours, for eternity...

by Purple_Starflower



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Coda, Complete, Epistolary, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e09 The Trap, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Season/Series 15, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:33:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28178433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purple_Starflower/pseuds/Purple_Starflower
Summary: 15 x 09 ("The Trap") and 15 x 18 ("Despair") coda where Castiel writes a letter for Dean to be found in case he needs to fulfil the deal with The Empty.As we know, he did have to, and Dean ended up finding the letter! This ficlet is just the contents of the letter!Complete, as of now! Might add another epistolary piece as a companion later, though!Edit: Adding Dean chapters now!
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 32
Kudos: 86





	1. A Letter

_**Castiel's room in the bunker, in disarray. There is glass, shattered, little pieces of light glinting like fresh snow on the floor. A broken dresser, wood violently ripped from joints, holes where angry hands have pushed through. In the shaky light from the hanging bulb, there are motes, floating like stardust, and sheets of parchment float alongside them, gliding, their edges crumpled under too tight fists, beautiful calligraphy of words blurred by tears that pool in their folds, run along their length, bleeding the ink in rivulets...** _

_**They settle on a pile of wood and glass, in a shower of slivers and stardust and there, you can see, a heart bared.** _

_Dean -_

_I need to apologise, but I do not know how to do that without telling you the thing I've been holding close to my chest - without burdening you with the knowledge of something else that is terrible. So I am taking the coward's way out and writing you this. I know you will find it when it matters, but until then, my silence will have to do._

_I am sorry._

_I am sorry I didn't let you finish your sentence. I am sorry I made you swallow the words that were ready to bloom from your lips. I am sorry that I have done the one thing I never wanted to do to you - I silenced you._

_I think you will understand why I did that, one day. I think you will forgive me when you do. I hope that you will._

_I don't know what you were going to say. I don't know if it was the thing my heart had hoped you would. But I couldn't let myself find out. I just... couldn't._

_I have been alive a long time, Dean. I have seen so much beauty, so much wonder. And I have seen things that are just as terrible. Some, alongside you._

_I have known fear._

_I have known the dread that pools in your stomach when you realise that everything you've ever done was for naught. I have known the heartbreak that comes from realising that every moment of your life was a lie, that you were never someone with agency, but just a means to an end. I have known the terror of having the world collapse around you as you stand, helpless, unable to do anything but watch as it burns. I have known **so much** fear in this existence of mine._

_But I have never known the kind of trepidation that enveloped me as I heard your prayer, heard your footsteps approaching me, heard you call my name with so much….love. When you wrapped me in your arms, I held on to you, and the fear that clogged my throat clawed at me, begging me to stop feeling._

_Because I knew the joy that would light my being if you were to speak. If you were to say the things that I hoped that you would, that your eyes already seemed to. And I knew that that joy would be so true that it would bring the end with it. And I wasn't ready. I'm not ready. I can't leave. I don't want to. Not yet._

_I just need a little more time._

_I wish telling you everything I've felt didn't mean letting go of it all. I wish letting that love I see in your eyes sometimes turn into words didn't mean the end of everything for me. But it does. And there is no one to fault for it but me because this was a choice. And, for all that it has taken from me, perhaps, it is another regret I will carry with me forever. Another burden that will weigh me down. I think I knew that, when I did what I did. I just...didn't expect it to feel so heavy._

_All those years in heaven, I watched the world take shape, and I couldn't help the awe that crept into me. I couldn't hold back….emotion. Feeling. It wasn't supposed to be a part of who I was, and I was good at hiding what little I felt, but I think they noticed, the other angels. I was revered for my obedience, and because I was such a good soldier, I was forgiven my oddity. But there were cracks in me, everywhere. I felt….incomplete. Unfinished._

_I was yearning for something….something that would push the broken pieces of me together and make me whole. Something that would fix this...defect that I'd seemed to be born with. For a long time, I believed it would be my Father. I believed that if I aided in His plan, brought His intent to life, He would bless me with His love and I would know peace. Fulfilment. Content._

_And then I met you._

_I touched your soul, raised you from the depths of perdition, and the light of you burned the world. It blinded me, flooded my being, gilding the edges of the cracks, and for one indescribable instant, it was like everything that I had ever needed was given to me._

_I was selfish when I rebelled against heaven, following you into battle instead. I was selfish when I waged war against my brothers and sisters for you. Every single time I walked alongside you...against hell, heaven and humanity, I was at your side, because...you were my salvation. You were the thing that pushed the broken pieces of me together, the thing that would fill the cracks in my being with the light of your soul._

_You were everything I had ever yearned for, Dean Winchester._

_You still are._

_I am selfish, still, because I want to stay by your side until the very end. And this is why I can never tell you the things I am folding into the pages of this letter. This is why I will carry the burden that seems to me heavier than the world, because it will let me be with you, near you, just a little longer._

_You once asked me if anything in this world was real. If anything we do matters. In a world that was ending, years ago, I had the same questions. And in that world, you became my guide. You are my anchor, Dean. You are my faith. My hope._

_Against all odds, I have chosen, and will always choose, this faith you've put in me. Sometimes, though, I think you need to be reminded to choose it for yourself. Choose to believe in the goodness of your soul, Dean Winchester. In the value of your life. In your defiant humanity. In your boundless love for it._

_Choose yourself over the world, once in a while. You have earned as much._

_Our lives have not been perfect. They have hardly been good. But, maybe, they were just good enough. And perhaps, that is a small miracle, a thing to cherish._

_I am here now, in your home, and I can hear you calling my name. And it feels like a prayer, your voice resonating in my being, a pull that is inexplicable turning me your way. Tonight we will toast to a win, to beating the odds, and I will see a smile that lifts your lips; a twinkle that turns your eyes into stars, and that will be enough._

_Tonight, I will keep my silence, and that will be enough._

_I do not want to lose, Dean. But, despite everything….it does make me wonder. Is a life lived on the edges of true happiness a life at all? Or is it just an existence? A thing that can be compounded in breaths and words and blood, instead of a thing that can be touched and felt. Experienced._

_It does not matter, though. Not tonight. I have a while, still, to ponder. To gaze at the world around me, to gauge the value of this life, the gift, this...wonder of a thing._

_Or so I hope._

_But, in case this letter finds its way to you sooner than I imagine, I hope that you will know this - I love you, Dean Winchester. With everything that I am, everything that I ever will be._

_And I hope that you can forgive me._

_Yours, for eternity,_

_Cas ~~tiel~~._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I thought about the confession scene, I realized that the Castiel in my mind would never leave it at that. Also, the Castiel who stopped Dean would feel so much, so intensely, that he would need to let it out somewhere! VOILA, THE LETTER WAS BORN! 
> 
> Writing this took three years off of my life because feeling Castiel's despair and channeling it was DIFFICULT, but I hope you guys like what I've come up with! I might add more epistolary pieces from Dean's perspective as companions later on (The Bestiary entry is giving me ideas), but this is single, complete ficlet as of now! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Pleas leave a comment/kudos if you enjoyed it! <3


	2. Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's journal entries as he grieves Cas' death, and before he discovers his letter (prev chapter!).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little note - the dates don't mean anything! I just used the significant dates in the spngate stuff because I wasn't sure of in-canon dates and also I DIDN'T CARE THAT MUCH ABOUT THEM! 
> 
> Also, yes, enjoy Dean post losing Cas and pre-finding the letter he wrote him!

_**Dean's room in the bunker, always meticulously clean, swathed in soft, yellow light. His desk, scattered with notes and books, a method to the seeming madness. In the bottom drawer, cloaked in darkness and a thin film of dust, there is a journal. It's binding is leather- worn, now, from age; unbent, from disuse. The pages, yellowing; the parchment curling like autumn leaves, spots like tea stains dotting the edges. There is a coin tucked underneath it, and a defunct cartridge spills empty shells of bullets - a bed of metal.** _

_**Fitting, oddly.** _

_**There is a life, bleeding in ink black and green and blue, stowed and stashed in the flaxen leaves. A life, bared, hidden from prying eyes.** _

_**11/19** _

_The bottle sitting on my nightstand looks inviting right now, but I can't pick it up again. Not tonight. I have to be better. I have to do better. For Sammy. And for you, Cas._

_This helped, the last time we'd lost you. When it felt like I couldn't forgive myself or...Jack..this...all this writing...helped. It helped, even if it made me feel ridiculous, like a thirteen year old girl. But, I'm out of options again, so I'm hoping it will help now, too._

_Jack promised he'd be back. That he'd fix this. **He promised**. And I believe him, I do. But, still, it feels like the world is crashing down on me. And I hate it. I hate this...helplessness! All I am is a sitting duck, not able to do a single fucking thing to get you back. To get you home. _

_Last night, Sammy found me passed out on the kitchen floor, one of the bottles of Scotch that I'd pulled down from the pantry rolling by my side, empty. He tried to wake me up, and then he slung me over his shoulder and dragged me into my room. I thought he'd drop me in bed and leave. But you know what he did, Cas? He untied my damn shoes. He tucked me in, pulling a warm quilt over me. He took care of me, my little brother. And then he sat by my side as I feigned sleep and wept into his hands._

_I'd seen Sammy cry before. But, it hurt something awful to know that I put some of that hurt in him. This guilt... this thing, it felt like a knife in my already wounded chest._

_I wanted to sit up, to pull him into my arms, to tell him that I was so fucking sorry, that I'd do better. That I'd fix this. That I'd take care of everything. But I just...I couldn't._

_So I lay there, quiet, still, and watched through lidded eyes as my brother tired himself out with his tears. I watched without saying a word as he dragged shaking fingers through his hair before turning the lights out and leaving only the creaking of the door behind._

_I know Sam is not a child anymore, and I know I'm not responsible for him the way I once was. But, I...I can't help this...instinct that screams at me to protect him. I raised him! I wasn't just his brother, I was his mother and father! I took care of him! That was my fucking job, goddamit! And I can't even do that, anymore._

_The world just feels so damn empty now, Cas. **I** just feel so damn empty. _

_I know I only need a little patience. Jack promised me. He **promised!**_

_But everyday, it gets harder. It feels like I'm walking against a wind that will eventually bury me, no matter how hard I try. And I just don't have the courage to keep fighting, to risk losing. Not anymore._

_Not after I've lost you._

_Not after you've left m(e)._

_[a splotch, darkening the paper, dissolving the ink of the last letter. A mark left behind; a little scar of a heart, healed-over]_

* * *

**_11/21_ **

_Eileen came home today. Said she wasn't feeling safe in the place she'd made a home out of anymore. She seemed unsure as she came in, though, as if she'd thought we'd turn her away, tell her she couldn't stay here. It's still new to her, this Winchester madness. She doesn't understand it yet, but she will soon enough. She's family._

_We sat around at that table in the library, with dinner, for a change. And it was….nice. Eileen... she's something else, Cas. She's hilarious and she gets it when I talk about campy horror films or Westerns or my music. She could probably kick both my and Sam's asses without breaking a sweat, if she felt like it. And I love having her around._

_If you ask him, he'll deny it, but Sammy's got it bad. He still fumbles for words around her sometimes, like a schoolboy with a crush. But you can tell from the way he looks at her that he's going to marry this woman some day. My Sammy...he's falling in love in front of my eyes and I'm happy. I'm so fucking happy for him, Cas, I really am._

_But, you're not here._

_You're not at the table when Eileen smiles at me as she passes me the food, and you're not here when Sam brings out the pie she picked up for me. I laugh with them at the dinner table and you're not here. Claire calls me every night now, and she's happy, you know? She's growing up, and she's in love… and you're not here. There is some normalcy in the bunker now. In this world...in our lives. We're here and we're free and we're together...and this is family, but, **you're not here**. _

_And it gnaws at me, this void you've left behind. There's nothing in this world that could make up for....for this lack of you. And nothing has to. I know this. I know...I know we're going to find you and bring you home._

_But...God, I miss you, Cas. I miss you so damn much, it hurts._

_And I...I just wish you were here. I just wish you'd come home._

* * *

**_11/24_ **

_[...the page is crumpled, folds and creases pressed and smoothed over, but never quite right. A rip severs it partially from the binding, like an angry pull was loosened halfway; an imprint of violence, of anger, of grief. A neat hand, but the lines shake and stumble, words running together...]_

_I found your letter, Cas._

_I found your goddamn letter._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand thank you SO MUCH if you've read this!!! Jack as my witness, writing this almost KILLED ME!!! I thought writing Cas' sad letter was hard, but this was almost impossible!!! Dean is easy to write in action, but writing as Dean is one of the most challenging things I've ever done and I think I may have earned 100xp in writer experience just for even managing this! 
> 
> There's more chapters from his perspective, unfortunately for me, and this means my madness will continue! I'll try and keep updating regularly! Once again, thank you so much for reading!! Leave a kudos/comment if you're liking the fic so far! <3


	3. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is finally opening himself up!

**_[...the ink gleams, almost as if it is fresh, like the glistening dew on a blade of grass, the silver glint of a knife, shimmering grace and stardust. Shaky words form a tapestry, unclear lines and run-on sentences painting one confession over another...]_ **

**_12/4_ **

_ Cas — _

_ I don't know why I'm doing this. It's not like you’ll get to read this if I’m gone…but, I need to say something while I still can. I need to feel like I’m leaving this part of me behind where you can find it, instead of folding my words into prayers that disappear like empty promises the moment I open my eyes to your deafening silence. Your stifling absence. I need to feel like you’re going to be able to hear me, Cas, because if I don’t, I don’t….I don’t think I’ll have the strength to keep going.  _

_ Jack was here, a few days ago, and he’s got a plan. Just like he promised. But, he needs a volunteer for this kamikaze mission. We knew it was going to be me. Of course, it was going to be me. Sam thinks there’s no shot of this whole thing going bust - that there is only life and happiness on the other side of this. My brother was always the one with the strongest faith, wasn’t he? I want to believe with him, though, just this one time. I want to share that faith of his. But I can’t. Because I know better. Jack knows better. I’m going to fight with all I have, but there are some things you can’t always bet on. I’ve fought and lost enough to know this by now. _

_ I guess, however this goes, we’ll end up on the same side of this mess, huh? _

_ There’s so much I wish I’d said to you, so much I know I should have….so much you deserved to know, Cas. And now, I don’t know if I can ever give you that. I don’t know if I will ever have the opportunity to look you in the eye and tell you all that I’ve wanted to.  _

_ There are words I'd changed the shape of - words I'd masked...and hidden - because letting you see would've meant breathing life into them. It would've meant looking myself in the eye, and I was never that brave.  _

_ And now, you're gone, and all these unsaid things I’ve kept locked in my throat have festered there, rotting, like the rest of me. Now you're gone, and I'm at the edge of this cliff, a breath away from the fall. I don't know if I'll live to see another day, and the weight of the lies I've told myself, all the falsehoods I've cloaked myself in, is smothering the hope out of me.  _

_ Maybe this is all too little, too late. Maybe there is no point to anything I do now because I... I've lost you forever. But I have to believe that there is a chance - even if only a sliver of it - that it isn't. I have to.  _

_ There isn't much you don't know about me, Cas. You'd seen the shape of my soul, hadn't you? When you returned me to life? When you raised me from hell and remade me from dust and shadows? I wonder...I wonder if you saw the slick film of deception coating it, when you did. I wonder if you sensed the truth of a thing that I hid and hid and hid for so long that I couldn't even find it myself. I wonder...if you knew, before I ever did.  _

_ I learned to hate the parts of me that yearned for love, even before I understood what any of it meant. I knew it wasn't...people didn't think it was natural, at the time. I'd seen the disgust in the eyes of the man who was God to me, and I feared that loathing more than anything. Maybe John was a great man, for everything that he did for this world, but he wasn't a kind father. And I wasn't going to test him. Not when I still had Sammy to take care of. Emptiness and sorrow weren't new to me, anyway. Anger at failing wasn't new. Hatred wasn't new. So I did the only thing I could. I let myself disappear under the lies.  _

_ It was easier than looking at myself - truly looking - and accepting the pieces of my soul that dad would've condemned. That he would've called unholy. Impure. Corrupt. It was easier to play the good soldier for him and for the rest of the world. They called me a rake, so I became one. They called me a drunk, so I became that, too. Every time the world said I was something I wasn't, I wore those words like a shield and hid behind them. When there were slips, I rationalized them. Lips were lips, when the world tilted on its side and there was only the scent of beer and sweat in the air. A fumble in the dark could be a dream, a thing to forget when you open your eyes to the harsh glare of the sun.  _

_ I snipped the roses, but the thorns still bled me. And I let them, because it was easier to drown in blood than it was to face the truth of it all.  _

_ I never told anyone - of course I didn't. Not even Sam — and I know he wouldn't have cared...I knew it then, too. Even when the world was changing... **I** couldn't. So I told myself it didn't matter because there was never going to be a love in this life, anyway. There was never going to be a home, a family. I told myself - why rock the boat when it won't change the way we're going? _

_ I told myself a thousand other things over the years...all except the one thing that was the truth — I was terrified. Everything was always on the verge of breaking, Cas. Always. There were cracks in this life we'd built...cracks everywhere. So why upset something that is only the most fragile imitation of normalcy and risk losing everything? Why chance a little courage when cowardice served me well enough??  _

_ But now you're lost to me and I sit up in bed every night plagued by the consequences of that cowardice. Would you have chosen differently if you'd known all that I fought to keep hidden from you? If I'd told you that every night that I prayed to you, I forgave the pieces of myself that I'd learned to hate. Because how could I keep the shame and the guilt and the hatred in the same place that I kept you? How could I curse the pieces of me that chose you? And I did, Cas. In the heart of my heart, away from the whole world and sometimes, even myself, I  **chose** you.  _

_ I think I felt your love, even as I denied the truth of it, and it guided me back to myself. It brought me back to life, just as you once did. Because that  **is** what you did, Cas. You saw me - all of me - and chose to trust me, to stay by my side, and in your trust, I found my own redemption. My salvation. You said that I was your anchor. Your faith...your hope. But...you never realized that you became mine. Every time that I've had to lose you, I've lost myself. I don’t know how to...fit myself into this world without you. I don’t know how to exist. To just...be. _

_ I got so angry after you were gone. I got so angry when I found the letter you’d left me. I broke the world around me because, I think, despite everything, I was still so damn scared. But we’re at the end of the line now. And you were right when you said that there was happiness in just saying it. This isn’t the same, I know, but if there is a little joy that I can steal - little hope that I can still salvage - then I will.  _

_ Because I love you. **Of course** , I love you. _

_ And if I have to lose myself in worlds unknown to bring you back, to bring you home, then that’s what I’ll do. I know what you’d say if you were here - you’d ask me to stop, to not let the world lose more than it can gain. But, you asked me to choose myself over the world, Cas. And that’s what I'm doing now.  _

_ I'm choosing myself - I’m choosing you - even if all I have is a shot in the dark. _

_ I’m coming, Cas. _

_ What was it that you said? _

_ Yours, for eternity,  _

_ Dean.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I AM SO SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE!! Writing this part of the fic took fifty years off my life!! I think I got into my own head a little and I just couldn't pin point Dean's voice for the death of me! I knew I wanted this chapter to be open, honest and vulnerable, but Dean is not a man of so many words and my brain wouldn't let me settle for a slightly OOC Dean for a long, long time! I finally calmed down a little and decided that it was more important that I finish this project than whether or not a couple of lines fit a little awkwardly. I am still very much an amateur and I'm trying to learn to be better at this! I apologize if the writing and/or characterization isn't up to mark, y'all! I REALLY TRIED! 
> 
> If you've been following this fic and made it to the end, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!!! You have no idea how happy it makes me and how much every single hit and comment mean to me!!! I adore you all!! 
> 
> As for the story itself, I know I left it a little open-ended. If you ask me what happened, I'll tell you believe that they end up together, and in the good, domestic way and not the sad, stuck in the empty together way. But if you ask me what happens in *this particular story*, I couldn't tell you. Not right now, anyway! What I can tell you is Dean is stronger now, surer and he has faith in a love he didn't believe he could have. And maybe that's a victory, all things considered. 
> 
> OOF. Okay this A/N has gotten too long. Five breakdowns and almost four weeks later, I think my sanity is damaged, but I hope you enjoy what I've managed to cobble together! Please consider leaving a comment/kudos if you like what you read! And once again, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! <3


End file.
